Tuesday, July 10, 2012

"Corn Dog"

This handsome fur baby is my Buddy.  You may recognize him from my weekly Hairbrained Musings posts.  He is a bit of a local celebrity here on the Crazy Train.  He is the funniest, most ridiculous, most loving, most(ly) well-behaved (he is still a pup at 17mo) dog a girl could ask for.  He is also completely and undeniably stupid-- sometimes.

Dammit-- I AM smiling!!  YOU say "cheese" and I might look more excited.

Being a pup, Buddy still does "puppy stuff", like getting hyper for a few minutes and running around like a nut, or occasionally peeing in an "inconvenient" place (like on my mom's couch-- sorry Mom).  He gets a little "frisky" sometimes, too.  Especially around sweaty women-- and me.  (Notice I don't count myself in with the sweaty women, no matter what may be true.)  It's gross and funny all at the same time, the way Buddy will sit at your feet and whine with "desire" right before he jumps up on the couch and tries to make your shoulder his bitch.  Now that I think of it, it's actually gross and sad... oh, what am I saying?!  It's freakin' hilarious!  But I do hope that one day he outgrows his amorous side, or at the very least adjusts his sexual preferences to not include me.

Unlike his occasional attempts at lovin', Buddy is typically very polite when it comes to food.  He doesn't beg at the table, and doesn't snatch food out of your hand, or out of the hand of an inattentive child.  He will help him self to unattended food, or food that hits the floor, but so will most dogs.  The problem is, Buddy has a hard time figuring out what is and is not food.  (Thus, "the completely and undeniably stupid" comment.)  Anything that hits the floor and fits into his gigantic catfish-mouth qualifies as food to my Buddy.  

I know, I know.  You look at this massive, wrinkly, exasperated looking beast and you think "What's the big deal?!  That critter is going nowhere fast."  Welllll... don't let the lumpy body and indifferent countenance fool you.  Buddy uses his sad-looking face and lumpy physique to disarm you and lower your expectations.  In reality, he can be quite speedy for a fat dude!  He can be so speedy that I swear he must have some sort of instinctive, precognitive ability that gives him that extra something he needs to get to "food" before I can.  His ninja speed is really hard to believe until you witness it for yourself.  Really. hard. to believe.

The even bigger problem-- the one that led to this post-- occurs when you combine Buddy's loose definition of "food" and his freaky precognitive "food"-is-about-to-hit-the-floor radar, with my Birdie's Neanderthal-like table manners.  The result is very... expensive.

So what the heck happened?!  (I can hear you practically yelling wondering from here.)

Well, honestly, I don't really know for sure.  I wasn't there when "it" happened.  When I got home from my mandatory bargain-shopping coffee-drinking, lunch-eating trip with my sister, I was greeted with several "howdy"s, followed by an awkward silence.  Upon further inquiry, I got the following statement from my Mama:  "It was an accident.  It was all over so fast, and then it was gone.  I couldn't stop it."  (Now don't you think for a minute that there was panic in this voice.  No sir-ree.  I didn't detect any panic, just a slow Southern drawl filled with disbelief.  Go back and read it again the right way-- I'll wait.)

What the...?!  Did someone loose an appendage?  Is that the accident that was "over so fast" and left something "gone"?  The kids seem awfully happy to have lost anything!

I, being ever-so eloquent, said "And this accident waaaaassss?"

"Birdie was eating corn on the cob, and her fingers were all greasy, and she dropped the cob with the handle still in it, and Buddy swallowed it.  All of it.  Well, half of all of it.  It was an accident."

Whoa, nelly!  I could have sworn my mom just said my dog swallowed a corn cob with a spike handle still imbedded in it.  Surely, I imagined that.  Surely, she would have called me if that had really happened.  Or at least she'd seem, oh, I don't know--nervous, maybe?  My ears must be running low on caffeine.

"Come again?" was all I could manage.  It was then confirmed that my ears, in fact, were not running low on caffeine.  Buddy had swallowed a corn cob, with what was essentially two nails sticking in the end of it-- nearly two hours earlier.  (Well-- it was bound to happen sometime, what with Buddy's sad understanding food and all.)  My dad then proceeded to comment that "Boy, that rough thang is gonna hurt comin' out the other end in a day or two."  He chuckled.  I, personally, was not amused.  Dad also went on to rename my Buddy the "Corn Dog", which I have to admit is a little amusing.

My dad grew up around German Shepherds, and when they ate something stupid, he just waited it out.  They are big enough dogs that things probably wouldn't get "hung up" inside them.  Unfortunately, that's not usually the way it works with an English Bulldog.  In case you can't tell by looking, bullies aren't put together like most other dogs, and things tend to go wrong in these creatures whenever the opportunity arises.  Like when they swallow corn cobs.  With nails in it.  You know, the regular stuff.

Fearing the worst, I called my aunt's veterinary practice and spoke to the vet on duty.  She told me what I expected to hear-- that I had to take Buddy to the emergency vet hospital to have the "foreign object" removed.  Pretty sure this was a Fourth of July Buddy won't want to remember.  (And he probably won't remember anyway, since he was most likely cracked out on pain killers all day while recovering from his gastro surgery.)

If you look closely, you can see the hazy outline of the corn cob, too. :/

When I returned from dropping off Buddy at the emergency vet hospital (that even sounds pricey, doesn't it?), Princess and Birdie were waiting and a bit worried.  I told the girls that Buddy may come home with a few (dozen) stitches in a day or two, but that ultimately he'd be fine.  I also told them that they needed to start deciding which one of the two of them is going to go to college and which one will be resigned to the life of a long-haul trucker or Waffle House grill master.  They may as well start thinking about it now, since Buddy ate half of the college fund.  I suggested maybe they should rochambeau to decide-- it is a hard decision to be making at eight years-old, after all.  Unless, perhaps they can find a college or university that will take one "slightly used" bulldog as a tuition payment?  Either way, Buddy has swallowed up any chance they had to go to an Ivy League school.  Good thing he's cute!  Damn dog.

After having to pay to have the gold-plated corn cob handle and diamond-encrusted mini corn cob removed from my Buddy's belly, I am truly considering a bulldog-sized hamster ball to protect my Buddy from himself!  (Imagine Rhino, from the movie Bolt, only much, much bigger.)  Laugh all you want!  It couldn't possibly look any more ridiculous than the Cone of Shame does.


  1. Just picked my jaw up off the floor...

    Omg, poor Buddy!!!! Holy cow, what if nobody had told you? What if nobody had noticed? Yikes...

  2. OMG I just oscillated between chuckling and gasping while reading your blog! Crazy doggie antics!! Ok, I have a plan. Host and enter Buddy in a doggie corn cob eating contest that airs on ESPN right before Nathan's hot dog eating contest. Like the Puppy Bowl before the Super Bowl. Buddy is sure to win back part of that college fund!!!!!

    1. He could definitely do it! Buddy has eaten coins, a marble, a sleeve of staples, Polly Pocket clothes, toy squeakers, yarn, and probably plenty of other things I don't know about! I'm just glad we found out about the corn cob before he tried to pass it through his intestine. I just wish it would dawn on him at some point that what goes in has to come out the other side-- whether he wants it too or not! LOL!

  3. O.M.G!!!!! Shock...horror...hysteria...downright LMAO! Except for the vet bill part. :O

    I can't imagine it going down so "easily"?!?!? Yikes. It's a good thing he's so gosh darn loveable. =D

    1. I think he must be able to unhinge his jaw. Dad managed to break the cob in half as Buddy ran by with the cob in his mouth, otherwise he would have swallowed even more!

      What's worse-- the dog felt just fine and wasn't acting uncomfortable. He thought he was at the vet for belly rubs!

  4. Good Job Dear! i enjoyed seeing it,


    If you have a minute, please check out my blog and follow me if you liked it. I'll appreciate it so much! Thanks!

    Blow a Rainbow

  5. oh my gosh!!! he just looks to cute to be mad at.

    1. Unfortunately, he is! He looks at you with that droopy face and you just can't help but forgive him of everything.

  6. That first picture DID have a sort of "come hither" look. Oh, Buddy.

    Your newest GFC follower... thanks so much for stopping by "this little light"!

  7. Ha! He is a ladies' man...

    Thanks for buying a ticket on the Crazy Train!

  8. Way, way too cute to be mad at with his little cone collar thingy, ya know? =)

    Thank you so very much for linking up with us at our super mellow link up today and I don't know if it's wrong to say this but this story made my day-- hugely 'cause your buddy is so stinkin' cute, and because a few months ago we had to put our big giant 10 year old lab down and boy, oh boy what I wouldn't give for one more misadventure with that silly dog. We still aren't sure what happened to the half of a turkey that mysteriously disappeared without a trace when he was just a wee troublesome pup. =)

    Really, truly thanks for being a part of the beautiful group of bloggers who are linking up each week with us-- it is so very sweet to have your voice in the mix.

    Happiness to You Everyday and to Buddy too.


    1. Thank you, Nicole! Our pets find a way into our hearts, no matter how silly and troublesome they are sometimes. :)

      I really enjoy all the great bloggers I encounter on your Aloha Hop. Thanks for stopping by.

  9. I feel your pain. We've made that vet trip many times. Thank God, labs are big enough to pass most things like, WHOLE birds, 7 WHOLE pecans, a gold ring, etc. :)
    I'm glad your Buddy will be okay - minus the insult of wearing a lamp shade around his neck.

    1. Sounds like you completely understand the doggy drama! Thanks for the well-wishes. Buddy is back to his old self, with the exception of the 30 or so staples that still adorn his underside. :)

      Glad you stopped in!

  10. HI! Just stopping by to let you know I nominated you for the "versatile blogger" award. You can come by my blog to pick it up if ya want :)


  11. new follower from the blog hop!

    Glad your dog will be okay! I'm always worried about my kids swallowing one of those things.


  12. Awww What a cutie. Glad you stopped over at my blog so I could come back and become your follower.

  13. OMG!!! Holy corn cob batman!this is amazing. I am so happy he is on the mend now. Hope this makes you smile Thank you for sharing at the Thursday Favorite Things blog hop.xo

    1. Thank you! And yes, the Batman comment made me giggle. He is almost back to new... as a matter of fact, he is trying to eat his kennel crate as I type! UGH.