Saturday, September 29, 2012

Rubber Pellet Gun... A Fantasy

Image from Christmas Story 2
Some days my kids-- and possibly your kids, too-- make me crazy.  We all have those days when our tolerance for all things b.s. go right in the crapper, and all we have left is our imaginations and divine intervention to keep us from losing our goop.  Many of us even have a secret fantasy that we play out in our heads to make the crazier days more tolerable.  And by secret fantasy, I mean we have a mental Calgon place, where things are calm and (insert favorite adult beverages here) flow like water.  On the really crazy days, though, my mental diversion isn't to an exotic locale.  Mine is a rubber pellet gun.  (I'll wait while you finish laughing at me.)  I have been threatening and joking about getting one for years, and I am sure it could solve all my most aggravating problems.  My sanity sometimes hinges on a couple of ounces of imaginary toy gun.  Are you worried yet?

If you aren't worried about me yet, you are about to be.

Ode to a Rubber Pellet Gun
by a Delirious Mom

When the day is full of craziness, and I have had enough
My mind goes to a special place where I can deal with this stuff.
When the world is feeling upside down, and I'm no longer having fun,
Into my mind pops my saving grace-- my rubber pellet gun!

Oh, mental rubber pellet gun-- how wonderful you are!
You let me solve my problems, whether they be near or they be far.
When I find things that make me crazy, mentally I take aim
and pull that plastic trigger.  It's such a satisfying game!

I hear the little trigger snap.  Watch the plastic nib fly through the air.
And then, with glee, imagine the reaction that would fair.
The little pop, the look of shock, the end of bad behavior.
My little pellet gun, you see, is really quite the savior.

So when my darling children wake me in the dead of night
To let me know they peed alone, without a grown up in sight.
I do not need to yell at them to get their ass in bed.
I get out my rubber pellet gun, and mentally shoot at them instead.

And when they are whining, fussing and fighting, and constantly tattle-taling,
Or having a meltdown in the middle of the mall and incessantly wailing,
There's no need for me to waste my breath repeating the same thing over and over.
I get out my rubber pellet gun, and laugh as they run for cover.

When my children go through a second tube of toothpaste in two weeks,
Or jump on the bed, to my dismay, until the bedroom floor creaks,
I don't scream for them to "stop that crap!" as my blood pressure goes through the roof,
But, instead, close my eyes and pop a cap in skies and my stress disappears with a poof.

When my dog decides that food is for sissies, and instead dines on magnets and nails,
Or eats cherry pits and then gets the shits, so that am constantly wiping his tail,
Or gets a little frisky and tries to get busy with my living room sofa,
I don't cry, but draw a bead on his thigh, and then all my worries are ovah!

While I'm at school and one of my students decides to bolt down the hall,
I'm left to decide whether I should run too, and risk taking a fall.
But then I think, "wow-- there's no better time then now to bring out my rubber pellet gun!"
So, in my mind, I hit the mark every time, and suddenly work becomes fun!

Oh, rubber pellet gun, what would I do if I didn't have you to save me?!
You take me away to a mental place where my stress is a thing that can't scathe me.
During a crisis, my friends see me looking so calm, while being confident and cool,
But they can rest assured, that in my mind, I'm rubber pellet gunning some fool. 

What is your mental escape from stress?  Please share-- I think I could probably use some new ideas!


  1. Great blog. My mental escape? Deny Deny Deny. I don't have kids. It's not my problem. ;)


  2. Hahahahahaha!!! I'm sure you've got a lot of people fantasizing right now...

    1. LOL! Thank you-- nothing wrong with a little fantasizing now and then. :)

  3. This is so funny. I usually fantasize about running away...sort of like the runaway bride did a few years back. Remember her? It's a good think we don't have a bus stop in this town!

    1. Loved the Runaway Bride-- that girl was onto something!

  4. Uhmmm...can you get me a rubber pellet gun ;-)

  5. On occasions when my Smurfs get to be too annoying I usually start saying (very loudly) "IGNORE ME!" It makes them laugh and relieves some of the tension. It's from a character on a tv show.

    1. Ok, THIS I have got to try! I'm sure the ladies will LOVE this. :)