Saturday, April 28, 2012

Conversation Endured in the Mommy-Mobile

*Warning: The following content is hilarious and may result in giggle drops.

The following dialog exchange occurred as my girls and I were on our way to the vet this morning.  The girls were playing with their "puppies."  The conversation resulted in me having a minor coronary event followed by peels of inappropriate laughter.

Nachos & Kikamoa, the potential offenders

Princess (speaking as her doggy to Birdie's doggy): Well hello, Kikamoa!  How lovely to see you!  (Yes, Kikamoa is one heck of a name, right?!)

Birdie (speaking for Kikamoa):  Well hello to you, Nachos!  I am so excited to see you!  You are so cute!

P:  *sounding bashful and coy*  Thank you, Kikamoa!  This is my favorite tiara.  *sigh*

B:  You look so grown up!  How old are you, Nachos?

P:  I just turned 6 1/2 months old.  Can you tell?

B:  Yes, Nachos, I can tell!  You know, I am 6 months and 2 weeks myself.

P:  Really?!  That's wonderful!

So far this conversation has been all sunshine and rainbows, enough so that I was gagging on the sappiness and about to tune out when I heard this...

B:  You know, puppies are old enough for sexual activity at 6 months.  Would you like to marry me?

WHOA!!!!  WHAT THE?!...  *the sound of loudly screeching brakes inside my head*  At this point I feel the need to interject out loud with "excuse me... uhhhhh, could you repeat that?"

At that very second, I was unsure whether it would be my rapidly beating heart or my soon to explode head that would kill me first.  Surely, I didn't just hear what I thought I heard... that had to be a mistake.  Maybe I am hearing the radio... or thoughts of my absent husband rumbling around in my head... and my evil brain made me think that the words "sexual activity" just escaped Birdie's lips.  

B:  Which part, Mom?  Didn't you know puppies are mature enough for sexual activity at 6 months?  It's written all over the place in the Dog Breed Encyclopedia that you let me read.  AND, I read in NatGeo that sexual activity is a part of marriage.  We thought Nacho and Kikakoa could get married because they are totally old enough for sexual activity.

P:  Yay!  They are getting married.  Yay for sexual activity!

OMG!!!!  Okay, Mama, think!  You are driving 58 mi/hr on a crowded road.  Focus on the driving. You can die of mortification and shock once you park the car.

Me (trying to think fast):  So what is this "sexual activity" you speak of, Birdie?  (Oh dear God in heaven, PLEASE let her have the wrong answer, just this once.) 

B:  You know-- like marriage.

Me:  That's it?  Just marriage?

B:  Yup.  I think so.

Whew.  Maybe I'm off the hook.

Then I started thinking.  I realized I most definitely was not off the hook!  What if at her next play date or at school, Birdie drops the term "sexual activity" in casual conversation, thinking it means marriage?!  Holy shite!  She would never be invited to another play date EVER AGAIN.  Word travels fast-- as I am sure you know-- and she would be blacklisted before she turned eight.

Me:  You know, the term, uhhhh... "sexual activity" (I felt the need to say this really fast, like it was dirty) isn't about being married.  It's about making babies.

B:  You mean mating?!  "Sexual activity" is about mating?!  Ahhhhh, crap!  Not babies! *said with unmasked disgust in her voice*

Me:  Yes, babies.  It's the truth.

B:  Gross...  So what you're saying is that "sexual activity" only happens to married people right before a new baby is born.  The rest of the time they are just married, without "sexual activity."  That I can handle.  Nacho and Kikakoa weren't planning on having kids anyway, were they sissy?

P:  Well, maybe just one "sexual activity" and then they'll be done.  I promise.

If I could just stop laughing about this, I might be worried that this term could still come up at an awkward moment in the wrong setting.  I'm choosing to approach this situation optimistically, however.  I choose to pray to anyone listening that when this inevitable event occurs, it will be Daddy that is on the scene to save the day.  I would much rather hear that story than live it!


  1. Bwahahaha!!! Omg, I am soooo glad I finished drinking my sip of water before I read that, or it'd be coming out my nose in front of my CEO in his glass office. That would not be good... Do they have a word for your drink coming out of your nose? Defnitely *not* "hilarious..."

  2. Wow! That is hilarious! I think I would have crashed!

  3. OMG that is the cutest story ever!!!!!!!!